I was told from a very young age that I would be an alcoholic. My dad, a recovering alcoholic told me I “didn’t have a chance” and tried to prepare the way for me by taking me to meetings and educating me the best way he knew how about this “disease” that I had. He was sure I was going to be an alcoholic before I ever had my first drink. The idea of having a disease that I didn’t have any “symptoms” for for was a very scary ordeal growing up. It didn’t stop that first drink however. I have to say that when the opportunity arose for that first drink, nothing about what my dad had educated me about even crossed my mind.

Well, I drank alcoholically from the first time i drank. I was 13, drinking vodka in the woods with my friends. We were all arrested. From that day on I chose to drink alcohol whenever I could. I smoked pot, I took acid, ate mushrooms, did whatever I could get my hands on.

My mother was a severe alcoholic and I barely knew her. All I remember
of her was that she was never sober. She died from an alcoholic seizure in her kitchen while she asked my aunt for money so she could get a drink when I was 22. My sister died from the same thing a few years later.

My dad kicked me out of his house when I was 14. I bounced around from house to house, staying with friends and friends of friends and people I had no idea how I met them. I was on a roll. I drank every day, as much as I could. I did whatever I had to do to get alcohol or anything else that would release me from reality. I quit school. I turned into a suicidal, alcoholic, panic-stricken, homeless kid with nothing.

When I was 15 I moved in with my aunt and uncle while my dad got into rehab from a relapse. I quit drinking, smoking and using for almost a year. I rapidly resumed the alcoholic drinking when I was 16 and moved back in with my dad. By the time I was 17 I entered the rooms by myself because I knew I was a full blown alchy. I was pregnant, alcoholic and alone. I always relapsed. I got pregnant again. I drank for most of the 9 months I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I was out of control. I couldn’t say no to a drink no matter how badly I wanted to or needed to. There was never any question. I always knew I would drink again.

I was in and out of A.A. until I was 25. My last drink was no different from the first, except it’s been since August 4th, 2009 that I drank. That day I gave up fighting. I was either going to die from this disease as my mother had, or I was going to fight for my life. For me. I was not going to do this for anyone else.

I came to the morning of my last drink and had never felt so alone. I had 3 kids and a husband and loads of friends, but I had never felt as ashamed and frightened and alone as I did that morning. I knew I had to give the program another chance. A real chance. My life depended on it. Not my marriage, not my relationship with my kids, not my future or anything else. My very existence.

I had never had a sponsor, worked the steps, or really read the Book. This time I knew if I didn’t I would die. I have seen too many people work this program and love their life without booze to not give it an honest shot.

So I did. I went into that room that day reminding myself to let go of everything I thought I knew about recovery, A.A., relapse, God.. people. I had to start fresh if I was to have any chance. I wanted a life of recovery more than I wanted my next breath. Because I had seen over the years what it had done for so many people. What it had done for my father. I saw him and knew him and drank with him in his last year of drinking. And I also saw the man transformed by god and a willingness to live again through A.A. I knew what could be mine if I wanted it badly enough. And I knew I did.

I didn’t know if I would stay sober, if I would make friends, if I would absorb ANY new knowledge. I just did what they told me to do. To the best of my ability. Today I look back and know it can be done for anyone, if they are hurting bad enough, if they are desperate to try anything, if they want to live a different way.

Everyday is a new opportunity to do things I love sober. I get to have an amazing relationship with my Higher Power, I do His will MOST of the time. ;) I am still an alcoholic and always will be so I’m not perfect. But today I feel new. I feel a change occurring that I never thought possible. I’ve read about it in the book, and heard the heard the stories in the rooms, and here I am experiencing what God can do for me firsthand if I let Him. I am becoming a person I love. Today I am sober and I love my life. And it’s thanks to my HP and this program.

Keep it Simple.

That works for me.



About theredsoxsavedmylife

Just another drunk. Not drinkin'. Thanks to 12 simple steps and The Red Sox.

2 responses »

  1. It’s difficult to post material like this. Trust me, I have at least six incarnations of such soul baring material, but to save my wife the pain of reading it I havn’t put anything like this up personally.

    Good luck, keep it simple and God Bless you.


    • Thank-you for taking the time to read it, it means a lot to me. I know it is hard and I was nervous about my dad and other people reading it, but it’s MY story and the reason Ihave what I have today. Not directly of course, but you get the idea. Good luck to you, and thanks again for stopping by, I appreciate it. :)))

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