I was told from a very young age that I would be an alcoholic. My dad, a recovering alcoholic told me I “didn’t have a chance” and tried to prepare the way for me by taking me to meetings and educating me the best way he knew how about this “disease” that I had. He was sure I was going to be an alcoholic before I ever had my first drink. The idea of having a disease that I didn’t have any “symptoms” for for was a very scary ordeal growing up. It didn’t stop that first drink however. I have to say that when the opportunity arose for that first drink, nothing about what my dad had educated me about even crossed my mind.
Well, I drank alcoholically from the first time i drank. I was 13, drinking vodka in the woods with my friends. We were all arrested. From that day on I chose to drink alcohol whenever I could. I smoked pot, I took acid, ate mushrooms, did whatever I could get my hands on.
My mother was a severe alcoholic and I barely knew her. All I remember
of her was that she was never sober. She died from an alcoholic seizure in her kitchen while she asked my aunt for money so she could get a drink when I was 22. My sister died from the same thing a few years later.
My dad kicked me out of his house when I was 14. I bounced around from house to house, staying with friends and friends of friends and people I had no idea how I met them. I was on a roll. I drank every day, as much as I could. I did whatever I had to do to get alcohol or anything else that would release me from reality. I quit school. I turned into a suicidal, alcoholic, panic-stricken, homeless kid with nothing.
When I was 15 I moved in with my aunt and uncle while my dad got into rehab from a relapse. I quit drinking, smoking and using for almost a year. I rapidly resumed the alcoholic drinking when I was 16 and moved back in with my dad. By the time I was 17 I entered the rooms by myself because I knew I was a full blown alchy. I was pregnant, alcoholic and alone. I always relapsed. I got pregnant again. I drank for most of the 9 months I was pregnant with my 2nd son. I was out of control. I couldn’t say no to a drink no matter how badly I wanted to or needed to. There was never any question. I always knew I would drink again.
I was in and out of A.A. until I was 25. My last drink was no different from the first, except it’s been since August 4th, 2009 that I drank. That day I gave up fighting. I was either going to die from this disease as my mother had, or I was going to fight for my life. For me. I was not going to do this for anyone else.
I came to the morning of my last drink and had never felt so alone. I had 3 kids and a husband and loads of friends, but I had never felt as ashamed and frightened and alone as I did that morning. I knew I had to give the program another chance. A real chance. My life depended on it. Not my marriage, not my relationship with my kids, not my future or anything else. My very existence.
I had never had a sponsor, worked the steps, or really read the Book. This time I knew if I didn’t I would die. I have seen too many people work this program and love their life without booze to not give it an honest shot.
So I did. I went into that room that day reminding myself to let go of everything I thought I knew about recovery, A.A., relapse, God.. people. I had to start fresh if I was to have any chance. I wanted a life of recovery more than I wanted my next breath. Because I had seen over the years what it had done for so many people. What it had done for my father. I saw him and knew him and drank with him in his last year of drinking. And I also saw the man transformed by god and a willingness to live again through A.A. I knew what could be mine if I wanted it badly enough. And I knew I did.
I didn’t know if I would stay sober, if I would make friends, if I would absorb ANY new knowledge. I just did what they told me to do. To the best of my ability. Today I look back and know it can be done for anyone, if they are hurting bad enough, if they are desperate to try anything, if they want to live a different way.
Everyday is a new opportunity to do things I love sober. I get to have an amazing relationship with my Higher Power, I do His will MOST of the time. I am still an alcoholic and always will be so I’m not perfect. But today I feel new. I feel a change occurring that I never thought possible. I’ve read about it in the book, and heard the heard the stories in the rooms, and here I am experiencing what God can do for me firsthand if I let Him. I am becoming a person I love. Today I am sober and I love my life. And it’s thanks to my HP and this program.
Keep it Simple.
That works for me.