Today I have the ability to be a better version of myself. I do not have to hide behind the masks of self-hate, fear, illusion and distrust. I have a chance today. To be better.
I realized this through another rigorous 4th and 5th step. I have character defects that I am allowing to make up who I am. I am creating a self-sabatoged existance and calling it recovery. When I have more than enough ability to be a better version of myself.
I can do the right thing when no one is looking. Because it is the right thing and that is what I do. It feels good, and has benefits. I have nothing to hide today. I can sweep and mop the floors at work when no one is looking because I am supposed to. Without resentment. That is a huge change in who I have been in the past.
I must be accountable and responsible. Because it is the right thing to do, it is what I am supposed to do, and it feels gooood. The other way will kill me. I never imagined I would be saying any of this. I gave myself plenty of rope to hang myself and plenty of excuses as to why I behaved a certain way and accepted certain behaviors.
They may be small things, but I am growing into a responsible and trustworthy person day by day. My recovery from alcoholism is more than not taking that first drink. I have defects in my personality that discourage me from being the best version of myself. The fact that I know now that I have the ability to be GOOD is astonishing. I am floored. I can be a better person! Better and better every day that I wake up and remember that I do not deserve this life that I have, that I should be locked up somewhere for things I have done, or dead. Ths is not the life that I chose. I chose self-loathe and disgust and pain and hate. I just didn’t want to drink another day. I had a desire to be a responsible person when I came into the fellowship, and it is slowly happening. I just had to do the work. The real work. A few times in fact.
Today my recovery is getting better, and is consisting of more options. And I am grateful. And humbled. Overjoyed at this life. Thank you God. Thank you.