I took a small hiatus from meetings. Like three months. I’ve been back for a couple of months now, after an awakening of humble perceptions.

I had attended a meeting in which the chairperson informed us the meetings topic would be “Whatever you wanna talk about; how your day was, whatever!” I stayed for about 8 minutes until the ramblings of a sick drug addict consisted of her frustrations with her doctor not writing her a prescription she needed.
I made a very dramatic departure. My patience with these type of meetings and people was at its breaking point.

It turned into an ego-driven-soapbox-holier-than-thou resentment for roughly three months. I wouldn’t go to meetings. My argument to my sponsor being that meetings don’t treat alcoholism.Which is true, they don’t. I had lost sight of our primary purpose completely, blinded by my ego, self-righteousness and entitlement. All went well for a time, BUT I FAILED TO ENLARGE MY SPIRITUAL LIFE. I took this all for granted. I was rested assured that without meetings, I could do all of the other things which are required of me to achieve serenity, maintain spirituality as well as stave the mental obsession. All this would have been a perfect plan… had it not come from me. I was doing all the things I was supposed to be doing. And was pretty damned miserable.

I wasn’t doing my part. I had nothing to do with other alcoholics. I was not carrying any message except for I was going to be just fine doing things my way. One night after feeling particularly pouty and whiny, I, on a whim, decided to stop by our club for a late night meeting. One of my great heroes was there.
We chatted. Time ticked on. No one showed up for the meeting. I sat for an hour trying to convince this person that I had figured it out and meetings were overrated.
I left feeling ridiculous. Ashamed. Committed once again to fighting the good fight the best way I can. I was awakened by those around me who loved me enough to not be nice and reveal that I was messing up,
that I wasn’t doing the right thing, and that I could do better with a little tolerance.

My realization was this: if the meetings are so sick, so bad, so toxic that I cannot attend them without getting angry, there must be a change made.

There is a right way to do things. We whom have recovered have a duty to those who have not. It is my responsibility to show them how. I have a message to carry. If no one ever speaks the truth in a meeting again, I can.

I have the ability in a small way to make a difference. One person at a time. I can help when others can’t. It was shown to me that if I do NOT, then I will suffer greatly. For a long time. Until I take a drink.
Now I did not take a drink in this time, and it hadn’t crossed my mind once, but I was on my way. The mental obsession had a way in. And I know it would have shown up one day when I least expected it to.
And there I would have been done for. For me, it is a matter of balance. I can do many different things to the best of my ability, however, if I neglect other consequential principles, I fail and I die.
And I am humbled by that. Man it is easy to get off track and forget. But I do have a fail-proof method available to me all day every day. It is up to me to implement it. Today I can attend a meeting and pray for others, offer guidance, and speak the truth.
There are those who don’t like it, who aren’t living it, and think I’m ridiculous or obsessed or brainwashed. I just know what works for me. And I have a duty to share with you.

And the Red Sox are freaking pathetic. Deuces, Valentine.

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About theredsoxsavedmylife

Just another drunk. Not drinkin'. Thanks to 12 simple steps and The Red Sox.

4 responses »

  1. Lydia says:

    Glad you’re back. I intend to never stop going to meetings for several reasons. When I’m dissatisfied with the meetings in general, I keep going because 1) I’m not willing to risk what can happen if I stop going 2) people were there when I showed up and 3) I owe a debt to those people of the past, as well as to the people of the future to keep AA going.

  2. Lisa Neumann says:

    I like your post AND I like Lydia’s and your reply. Even just observing you reaching out with your honest and heartfelt post and seeing that we are here to support each other through comments. Nice blog. I did’t read all of it, but I started.

  3. I know what you mean I totally agree. I will bookmark you 🙂

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