Since August 2009 I have seen three people come in, get a chip, get a book, do the work, feel better and stay. One a year. I have seen hundreds of people come in, look around feebly, get a chip,
share at length about their last drink, and the one before that, complain, not call, go back out, come back in, repeat and DON’T come back. I have seen a few die out there. Struggling, hurting, needing, wanting dying.
Every day I see people who do stay and choose to do nothing and suffer. I look around a room sometimes and cringe. I know some of them are going to die, I know some of them will stay and suffer. I don’t know what is more painful to watch. Perhaps the ones who stay and suffer. The ones with so much stubborn ego whom share a message of a less than complete program, an easier, softer way, whom then “sponsor” another drunk that is desperate and dying to work it the same way. An incomplete, misunderstanding of our literature and principles.
If they are lucky enough to keep on, they then sponsor another drunk the same way. The cycle of blasphemy and misconstrued antics continues until we have rooms full of dying, useless drunks.
Maybe that’s a bit harsh and exaggerated. It’s the way I see it today. I know few people who get this program and utilize it on a daily basis properly, getting the desired results.
My heart is breaking. I want them all to want what I received. I want everyone to be as desperate and willing as I was. I want their hurt to hurt so bad that it shows when they come in.
And I can’t make them hurt more than more alcohol can. More than ignorance and stubbornness will achieve. I can’t do anything but offer guidance, my phone number, a ride, an experience
while I sit and squirm and hurt for them.
I was there once too. What saved me and let the others go? Was it self-realization, pain, anguish and a moment of divine inspiration? Was it years and years of self-inflicted pain and denial? Was it 13 years of meetings and lectures and watching other recover?
Dammit, what IS IT?
Can I bottle it and hand it out at the door?
No. Today all I can do is squirm while I offer my hand. My example, my experience, a book, my number, a ride. I will continue to do so no matter how many don’t want it. I will watch more come in and die. I will witness others continue to carry a diluted message. There will be people whose only message is “90 in 90″, “don’t leave five minutes before the miracle”, “meeting makers make it”, and all the other adages that enable drunks to hang.
But I will still make coffee, show up early, leave late, give out my number, buy a book, drive them to meetings, have coffee, and share my message. Not only because it keeps me alive, I know I must for that reason, but I truly love all of them and believe they all can get it. Some just won’t. And if three can, more can. And I want to be part of that. I will continue my trudge. My hope will never parish, my message will always be the same, my solution will not change, my desperation will not waiver. I got it. They can too.