I’ve been thinking… it isn’t good. I’ve been thinking of starting a club for those people who turn into their own lane at least 85% of the time.
And petitioning to have those other people’s licenses suspended pending driving instruction.
Because I’m perfect and never mess up.
I’m never lazy and short-cut anything.
And I dislike people generally… as a whole.
I’m a people.
I’m not a people person.
There are people I am people-able with, and there are those I have no time for. My kids’ teachers, dry drunks I see every day, the lady at the bank, a lot of my own family members, most of the people on my Facebook. My dog.
I have to be careful with this thinking. Having it be acceptable to take another persons inventory. Thinking I know exactly what they are doing and what they are thinking. Believing I know and employ a better option all the time.
I have a tendency to place expectations on everyone. High ones. Big ones that are typically far-fetched. They usually start out as practical, achievable, and even characteristic outcomes for each person. Then I start thinking they can do better. I’ll even throw in a few words here and there about my own experience with pushing myself to do better. Raising the bar. And mostly not patting myself on the back. About how I don’t deserve the life I have today. As if that statement alone is going to convince someone to be humble and strive for better and do more.
I caught myself doing a minimal service for my club this morning, one I never allow anyone to find out about, this time hoping that someone would see me and feel bad that they didn’t do it first. Like… like I could guilt them into helping others. Like I have that much power. Like anyone really gives a shit. Man am I a control freak. So I prayed. I sat and took a moment and prayed for guidance, and tolerance.
It occurred then that if they aren’t already doing something, chances are they won’t think much of it no matter what I do.
What else is a realistic prayer? Please make so-and-so get off their ass and do something for someone else…? No. I’ve found a lot lacking in futile requests from my HP. I can only pray that I be granted understanding, that I be guided to help someone should they want it, and my words and actions have nothing to do with my will.
Because I will punch a face.
I will try to make people feel like shit.
I put a sign above our coffee pot at our club yesterday.
People keep drinking all the coffee and leaving the pot going and it burns them up. It makes me mad and I want people to act right and do as I say. So I made a shitty little sarcastic sign saying:
“Way to Be of Service #134:
If the coffee is gone, MAKE MORE.”
The only real difference that I KNOW can be made and I have any say in is my own actions. Change will not happen collectively. It happens on an individuals level. My level.
I can do.
I must do.
And I must show those who ask how to do. Not those I think need it, not those I want to need it, those whom ask my help. As frustrating and infuriating and annoying as all of it is, I must do me alone.
Pray. Give my will over. Accept. Do action. And keep doing these things. Until someone asks.