Day # 1,258.
Damn good day I’d say; really. I’m swimming in all of the situations and blessings that I do not deserve, but earned; first and foremost, a great relationship, reliance and ability to utilize and trust in a totally rad God. Of my understanding, of course. It is a beautiful thing. God just works. And I have been blessed with situations in which I had to trust completely that He does work, so as to see that He does. So the God thing is in order this morning.
I have three absolutely awesome, beautiful, HEALTHY children that I earned the opportunity to be a mother to. They are all happy, content, aware, carefree, intelligent, god-loving, peaceful hopeful people whom I am ecstatic to be part of. Definitely didn’t deserve, but instead earned that second chance.
I have the love and respect and trust of a great man. Someone I had dreamed of once I got better. We communicate, decide, pray, kiss, hold hands, listen, respond respectfully, enlighten and inspire one another. We have it so good that sometimes I feel it isn’t fair to the rest of the world. A love like this never comes for most people and I truly believe that. I don’t deserve a love like this. I have earned it.
I am healthy. I tortured my body for so many years, and there is no reason I should be breathing today, let alone be this healthy. Sure, some days I get ass-hurt because I’m not skinny, or I have bad skin, but I don’t deserve the health that I have today. I got lucky on that one.
Today, I am free, I am employed, I cook real food, I refill the soap dispensers, I HAVE soap dispensers, I replace batteries in the kids’ toys, I hardly ever go into the express lane with more than 10-15 items, I can drive, I am a great mother, I am drawing breath, I am capable of empathy, and rarely do I have to utilize remorse, though I can if I have to.
The sun is out, and it makes me happy. However, when it’s balls-deep in snow and blowing like a bastard, I can grin and bear that as well.
My skin sucks and I’m kind of flabby, I oversleep, I make canned ravioli for my kids when I’m tired, I forget to rinse the hair out of the tub when I shave, I hardly ever clean my car unless I have passengers, I put off laundry because I’m still lazy sometimes, and every once in a great while I turn into the opposite lane. And that’s a tremendous trade-off. It could be, and has been worse.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
Maybe on my “bad” days I wouldn’t be able to write this. I might not even think about it. But I have that choice today. I can remind myself of what I am and what I have and that it wasn’t supposed to go to someone like I was. But it did, and I worked really freakin’ hard for it all.
And today I’m not a god damned crybaby, because one thing or another doesn’t go my way, or someone falls short of my expectations, or a situation happens that I didn’t plan. I’m aware and most times accept that life is life, and it’s my job to make the best of it, hoping that it inspires someone else who is tired of being a ball-bag. Most of the time that isn’t the case, it inspires no one, and people are going to continue to be whiners and whine their lives away. I don’t have to live like that, and I choose not to. Sometimes I get carried away and fill my spirit with false pride and look down on others, for instance, labeling them crybabies, like above, and I am still growing and changing and trying new things, testing out new avenues to spirituality in all aspects of my life. I’ll never get to where I think I should be, but today I’m moving forward. Little specs by little specs, I get less sick.
Phew. What a relief, getting all this corny-ass gratitude off my chest. Gushing about my life and my soul and all the goodness and acknowledging my defects and knowing and implementing a solution. It’s good, and I earned it.