Why do old people drive so slowly, they barely have any time left, like GOOOOO ur dying!!!
I’m doin’ the whole thing. Meetings, helping other, prayer meditation, giving my will over, praying for other people, admitting when I’m wrong, making amends, pray pray pray… ya know, just goin’ on in life. Living life.
There’s a feeling.
A weird feeling.
One I’m not so sure I’m comfortable talking about.
So I did. With a few people, people I trust and look up to and can depend on to give it to me straight.
I am lacking a connection with GOD. I don’t mean like I never pray, that’s the thing, the past few months I’ve been able to fill a lot more of my day up with one-on-one connection with God. I do it all day, every time I think of it, and it occurs more and more and I am feeling great about it. Soooo with God. He is so my homie, like we are bonding right?
Well I dunno.
It occurred to me a few times that while I was doing this, having this special God-time wherever I may be, grocery shopping, waiting room, driving… that it didn’t feel the same. Yeah… it didn’t feel the same as when I used to pray and meditate heavily in the mornings for a while and move on with my day and then sparsely communicate with God later on… in THOSE instances it always felt like a warm energy gliding over me and moving within me, refueling me and recharging me. Giving me peace… the MOST wonderful feeling. And today when I do it like 50 times a day, I get like a pat on the shoulder. Like I’m not fully connected to the God-line, like it’s breaking up, it’s choppy and muffled, there’s like other people talking in the background, it’s just not a fulfilling experience.
I got married in May to an incredible, amazing, God-filled, loving wonderful man, the man of my dreams! On the morning of our wedding I got up early before the bridesmaids and sat outside and looked up in the sky. Still a bit dark, a hint of daybreak light on the horizon. I looked out and there was no one, no cars, just these trees and birds and freakin’ squirrels and me and God. We kicked it so hard. It was as if he woke ME up and wanted to talk to me instead of me asking him to come out and play. He wanted to speak with me. And he did. And he told me how to be an amazing partner and how to be a wife and to love God first and all else will fall in to place. I was in awe, the power of God seeking me out to help me this day. The day went AMAZING. Best day of my life. And what happens? Not that shit again. Nope, it’s as if my connection with God is loosening. I am trying harder and harder and more and more and I want that peace in me again, and it is fleeting somehow. It’s not quite as strong… and I hid it. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought I’d figure it out; I thought MY GOD HAD CHANGED. ??? Really?? Yes I did. After I’d had enough of it inside my miserable head and convinced myself I had lost it and God was never coming back, I brought up this stuff to my husband. I told him everything. I told him I was confused and needed a solution. And he offered what he could. He truly is the most God-oriented person I have ever met. Like you see God when you meet him kuz him and God are always together. I love it. Anyway, we chatted it over, I saw a few things I hadn’t before and that was that. Realized that maybe I was seeking too hard. I was EXPECTING things from this extra time with God. Like every time was going to be a mind-blowing experience. Not appreciating the fact that I can do this God thing whenever I want and trust that whatever happens in the next few moments in between prayer is just what it is. Trusting that God has it handled. My will is fogging up the joint. My stupid ass will. I hadn’t even seen that. I want what I want and don’t realize it isn’t what I need until I am frustrated and spiritually drained.
When I wake in the morning or when I feel I need an especially good prayer or to be specific I have learned that the simplest prayer is usually the best. All day I must simply say “Guide my words, guide my thoughts, guide my actions.” That’s it. Ok, and TRUST and have faith that it will happen. All that I experience, all that comes out of my mouth and brain and what I do is what God sees fit. And drop it at that. It’s so much easier than expecting things to go a certain way, or have a certain feeling. That doesn’t always happen… In fact I don’t think it ever has. God does whatever the fuck he wants yo. I have no idea what it is but I know today that it’s all good for me. Expectation is the root of all heartache. Tolstoy?? Anyway… (nevermind, looked it up, it’s totes Shakespeare)
I was talking with a friend last night about the whole God’s will thing and I brought up that first morning, THE morning, the day I got sober. That morning I had given up completely. I knew I was beat, I knew I couldn’t go on and furthermore I KNEW that it was all up to God. I knew God was the only solution in that moment. I had all the faith in the world. I had to. I knew I had to. So I did and it was the most liberating feeling I had ever experienced. In desperation I gave it all to God. Everything, my next breath. And it worked out wonderfully. I wondered why that had to go away. The desperation is gone but why does my absolute dependence have to go with it? Because without that reminder that I am nothing and have nothing figure out, I believe for a while that I have it all handled. Without even realizing that I may not. That I really don’t and I need to get back to reality and give it all away again. I am grateful the desperation is no longer there, but I now need to formulate a plan for letting all go completely just like that day. And I am working on it. Right now as I type. And I am going to be great. Kuz God says so and I fucking believe him.