When God Issues Happen

Why do old people drive so slowly, they barely have any time left, like GOOOOO ur dying!!!


I’m doin’ the whole thing. Meetings, helping other, prayer meditation, giving my will over, praying for other people, admitting when I’m wrong, making amends, pray pray pray… ya know, just goin’ on in life. Living life.



There’s a feeling.


A weird feeling.

One I’m not so sure I’m comfortable talking about.

So I did. With a few people, people I trust and look up to and can depend on to give it to me straight.

I am lacking a connection with GOD. I don’t mean like I never pray, that’s the thing, the past few months I’ve been able to fill a lot more of my day up with one-on-one connection with God. I do it all day, every time I think of it, and it occurs more and more and I am feeling great about it. Soooo with God. He is so my homie, like we are bonding right?


Well I dunno.

It occurred to me a few times that while I was doing this, having this special God-time wherever I may be, grocery shopping, waiting room, driving… that it didn’t feel the same. Yeah… it didn’t feel the same as when I used to pray and meditate heavily in the mornings for a while and move on with my day and then sparsely communicate with God later on… in THOSE instances it always felt like a warm energy gliding over me and moving within me, refueling me and recharging me. Giving me peace… the MOST wonderful feeling. And today when I do it like 50 times a day, I get like a pat on the shoulder. Like I’m not fully connected to the God-line, like it’s breaking up, it’s choppy and muffled, there’s like other people talking in the background, it’s just not a fulfilling experience.

I got married in May to an incredible, amazing, God-filled, loving wonderful man, the man of my dreams! On the morning of our wedding I got up early before the bridesmaids and sat outside and looked up in the sky. Still a bit dark, a hint of daybreak light on the horizon. I looked out and there was no one, no cars, just these trees and birds and freakin’ squirrels and me and God. We kicked it so hard. It was as if he woke ME up and wanted to talk to me instead of me asking him to come out and play. He wanted to speak with me. And he did. And he told me how to be an amazing partner and how to be a wife and to love God first and all else will fall in to place. I was in awe, the power of God seeking me out to help me this day. The day went AMAZING. Best day of my life. And what happens? Not that shit again. Nope, it’s as if my connection with God is loosening. I am trying harder and harder and more and more and I want that peace in me again, and it is fleeting somehow. It’s not quite as strong… and I hid it. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought I’d figure it out; I thought MY GOD HAD CHANGED. ??? Really?? Yes I did. After I’d had enough of it inside my miserable head and convinced myself I had lost it and God was never coming back, I brought up this stuff to my husband. I told him everything. I told him I was confused and needed a solution. And he offered what he could. He truly is the most God-oriented person I have ever met. Like you see God when you meet him kuz him and God are always together. I love it. Anyway, we chatted it over, I saw a few things I hadn’t before and that was that.  Realized that maybe I was seeking too hard. I was EXPECTING things from this extra time with God. Like every time was going to be a mind-blowing experience. Not appreciating the fact that I can do this God thing whenever I want and trust that whatever happens in the next few moments in between prayer is just what it is. Trusting that God has it handled. My will is fogging up the joint. My stupid ass will. I hadn’t even seen that. I want what I want and don’t realize it isn’t what I need until I am frustrated and spiritually drained.

When I wake in the morning or when I feel I need an especially good prayer or to be specific I have learned that the simplest prayer is usually the best. All day I must simply say “Guide my words, guide my thoughts, guide my actions.” That’s it. Ok, and TRUST and have faith that it will happen. All that I experience, all that comes out of my mouth and brain and what I do is what God sees fit. And drop it at that. It’s so much easier than expecting things to go a certain way, or have a certain feeling. That doesn’t always happen… In fact I don’t think it ever has. God does whatever the fuck he wants yo. I have no idea what it is but I know today that it’s all good for me. Expectation is the root of all heartache. Tolstoy?? Anyway… (nevermind, looked it up, it’s totes Shakespeare)

I was talking with a friend last night about the whole God’s will thing and I brought up that first morning, THE morning, the day I got sober. That morning I had given up completely. I knew I was beat, I knew I couldn’t go on and furthermore I KNEW that it was all up to God. I knew God was the only solution in that moment. I had all the faith in the world. I had to. I knew I had to. So I did and it was the most liberating feeling I had ever experienced. In desperation I gave it all to God. Everything, my next breath. And it worked out wonderfully. I wondered why that had to go away. The desperation is gone but why does my absolute dependence have to go with it? Because without that reminder that I am nothing and have nothing figure out, I believe for a while that I have it all handled. Without even realizing that I may not. That I really don’t and I need to get back to reality and give it all away again. I am grateful the desperation is no longer there, but I now need to formulate a plan for letting all go completely just like that day. And I am working on it. Right now as I type. And I am going to be great. Kuz God says so and I fucking believe him.

Speaker Josh H. f/ Toronto

Speaker Josh H. f/ Toronto

A friend introduced me to his “tapes” and I was instantly on board. Great speaker, very funny but really wonderful.


And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone – even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality – safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

Pg. 84 & 85 Alcoholics Anonymous


Apparently I walked into a room full of people whom have never read this part of our literature this afternoon, or had just skipped the tenth step altogether.

There are words I do not tolerate in the rooms. Terms such as “Just don’t drink” “Don’t drink between meetings” “Meeting makers make it”

When these terms are uttered out of desperation or a desire to sound intelligent or practiced in this program, I literally have got to leave. It’s what works for me right now. Because if I do open my mouth to try and inform someone (spiritually) that they may be not telling the truth, I will not pull it off the way I want. I want to be spiritual and calm and understanding and accepting and humble… but I want to punch them in the face more than that. And I must take my leave.

I find it offensive and in bad taste for a group of people who are supposed to be representing our fellowship to tell newcomers about something called “triggers”. Why would someone want to get sober, go through all of this difficult, grueling, tiring, embarrassing, sad bullshit (the steps) just to find out that the desire to drink can POP UP at any given time, whenever we listen to certain music or see a certain person or visit a certain place?

Certainly not an alcoholic. And I take it personally that an entire collection of people who are supposed to be sharing hope and a solution with newb jobs take it upon themselves to let the newcomer in on this lie that we are plagued by triggers for the rest of our lives.

What the fuck is a trigger? Life is going good, I’m walking down the street and all of a sudden I spot a hornet flying by and I’m paralyzed with the urge to drink because it reminds me of Mickey’s FINE MALT LIQUOR??? Well. I shall do my very best to stay in my house. Forever. And not watch TV… or listen to music… or talk to any person… ever again.

Fuck that.

That doesn’t happen. We do the steps the best we can, leaving out nothing, we carry the message the best we can, as often as we can, we help others, we make it our lifestyle, and we don’t want to drink anymore. Truthfully.  When a newcomer comes into a meeting I am chairing, the tenth step promises are what I read, and I share the miracle of the fact that I don’t want to drink anymore. I go through life, bad things happen, I have great friends and a wonderful fool-proof set of principles that help keep my head out of my ass and I don’t want to drink through it.

If you have triggers… maybe it’s time to find another sponsor who knows what they are doing and you need to do this work again and achieve a psychic change. Alcohol won’t bother you anymore no matter what—If you are doing the things you are supposed to be doing. If it bothers you when you see a certain commercial or hear a song and all you can think upon that moment is, “Wow, I suddenly want to drink!”  something is wrong! There are no triggers, stop telling people there are, you are scaring new people and are misrepresenting this program. It is your responsibility to take care of your OWN “triggers” and keep it out of these rooms, there’s enough psycho-babble-bullshit going on in there as it is, we don’t need you talking about shit like that. Come on. Sorry. I’ll walk out now.


Freakin’ Gratitude

Day # 1,258.

Damn good day I’d say; really. I’m swimming in all of the situations and blessings that I do not deserve, but earned; first and foremost, a great relationship, reliance and ability to utilize and trust in a totally rad God. Of my understanding, of course. It is a beautiful thing. God just works. And I have been blessed with situations in which I had to trust completely that He does work, so as to see that He does. So the God thing is in order this morning.

I have three absolutely awesome, beautiful, HEALTHY children that I earned the opportunity to be a mother to. They are all happy, content, aware, carefree, intelligent, god-loving, peaceful hopeful people whom I am ecstatic to be part of. Definitely didn’t deserve, but instead earned that second chance.

I have the love and respect and trust of a great man. Someone I had dreamed of once I got better. We communicate, decide, pray, kiss, hold hands, listen, respond respectfully, enlighten and inspire one another. We have it so good that sometimes I feel it isn’t fair to the rest of the world. A love like this never comes for most people and I truly believe that. I don’t deserve a love like this. I have earned it.

I am healthy. I tortured my body for so many years, and there is no reason I should be breathing today, let alone be this healthy. Sure, some days I get ass-hurt because I’m not skinny, or I have bad skin, but I don’t deserve the health that I have today. I got lucky on that one.

Today, I am free, I am employed, I cook real food, I refill the soap dispensers, I HAVE soap dispensers, I replace batteries in the kids’ toys, I hardly ever go into the express lane with more than 10-15 items, I can drive, I am a great mother, I am drawing breath, I am capable of empathy, and rarely do I have to utilize remorse, though I can if I have to.

The sun is out, and it makes me happy. However, when it’s balls-deep in snow and blowing like a bastard, I can grin and bear that as well.

My skin sucks and I’m kind of flabby, I oversleep, I make canned ravioli for my kids when I’m tired, I forget to rinse the hair out of the tub when I shave, I hardly ever clean my car unless I have passengers, I put off laundry because I’m still lazy sometimes, and every once in a great while I turn into the opposite lane. And that’s a tremendous trade-off. It could be, and has been worse.

Damn it feels good to be a gangster.

Maybe on my “bad” days I wouldn’t be able to write this. I might not even think about it. But I have that choice today. I can remind myself of what I am and what I have and that it wasn’t supposed to go to someone like I was. But it did, and I worked really freakin’ hard for it all.

And today I’m not a god damned crybaby, because one thing or another doesn’t go my way, or someone falls short of my expectations, or a situation happens that I didn’t plan. I’m aware and most times accept that life is life, and it’s my job to make the best of it, hoping that it inspires someone else who is tired of being a ball-bag. Most of the time that isn’t the case, it inspires no one, and people are going to continue to be whiners and whine their lives away. I don’t have to live like that, and I choose not to. Sometimes I get carried away and fill my spirit with false pride and look down on others, for instance, labeling them crybabies, like above, and I am still growing and changing and trying new things, testing out new avenues to spirituality in all aspects of my life. I’ll never get to where I think I should be, but today I’m moving forward. Little specs by little specs, I get less sick.

Phew. What a relief, getting all this corny-ass gratitude off my chest. Gushing about my life and my soul and all the goodness and acknowledging my defects and knowing and implementing a solution. It’s good, and I earned it.

It Starts With You

I’ve had a recent spiritual experience regarding the power of one person taking the reigns and carrying the message. It has opened my eyes to the effect one of us can have on the lives of thousands of others.

This Thanksgiving my fiancee, my three kids and his two kids traveled to Antioch, California to visit his family. What an experience in itself, but that’s not for this blog.

My fiancee grew up in Antioch and got sober there in 1985. A couple years into his recovery, he and a couple other people decided to start a 12 step meeting outside of their home group. They got it going, it flourished and grew, and became a good meeting. He ended up moving away and has lived in Wyoming for over 20 years. Before we left for our trip, he kept talking about this meeting, during the drive (yes, we drove 1200 miles, he won’t fly) he was very excited about going to the Friday night meeting. We arrived Wednesday around noon, and he continued to bring up going to this meeting. Friday rolled around and it got time to go. We got his family to watch our kids while we went. When we got there, he knew one person, whom attended the meeting and he had met on Facebook  and had never met in person. Other than that, he didn’t know anyone else. It was a speaker meeting, and the woman who spoke had a profound message, and had also been attending this meeting for most of her recovery. Most everyone who shared after that had been attending this meeting for a long while.

Finally, my husband-to-be shared. And I understood. It all hit me. He was quite emotional and humble about this meeting. He started it 20+ years ago, never thinking it would continue. The founders of the meeting and regular members had all moved away or otherwise. He came back, 20 years later, to find that someone had picked up the reigns, and kept the meeting going, and from that, many many people had a chance to recover and had good lives. Because a couple of recovered, firecracker trenchers had decided to do something on their own. And the domino effect had saved peoples LIVES.

Needless to say, it had a profound effect on him and moved him very much. And the effect it had on me was amazing. It reminded me that I am one little part of a big family. That one thing I do or say can affect a lot of other people. It doesn’t stop with me. It doesn’t stop with you. We all have a part. And we don’t always realize what it means, or how big it can be. And that is something we should all take very seriously and personally. We are individually bigger than ourselves. We can make a difference. Without even knowing it.

It was a big deal and an eye-opening experience I will take with me every day.

I am not small.

You are not small.

We are each big and important, and if no one else does anything but us, that’s ok, it is getting done.

I love recovery.

I love God.

I love us.


Keep on keepin’ on folks.

AA Boy Meets AA Girl (Created by JaredBryanSmith) (NSFW)

I try not to be vulgar or inappropriate here, but this is too good to hide from you guys.

WARNING: If you are easily offended or would prefer not to hear certain words and/or subject material, please do not watch this and then complain to me about my vulgarity and lack of couth, taste, respect, and the like.


New Followers

When I’m driving behind someone and they are riding the line either way, I tend to follow them. Which I’m sure will eventually get ME pulled over instead of THEM and leave me stammering and whining to a police officer who doesn’t wanna hear my crap.

Here is a shout-out to my newbiest followers, in the last couple days:



Facing Facts About Myself

The bottom of a bottle

a beast Within

Perk Popadopolis

Brave New Dag

Raising the Curtain



YAY! Thank-you for following guys. Much appreciated!!!!! Check them out. I mean it.

You Guys Need to Get Better

I’ve been thinking… it isn’t good. I’ve been thinking of starting a club for those people who turn into their own lane at least 85% of the time.

And petitioning to have those other people’s licenses suspended pending driving instruction.

Because I’m perfect and never mess up.

I’m never lazy and short-cut anything.

And I dislike people generally… as a whole.

I’m a people.

I’m not a people person.
There are people I am people-able with, and there are those I have no time for. My kids’ teachers, dry drunks I see every day, the lady at the bank, a lot of my own family members, most of the people on my Facebook. My dog.

I have to be careful with this thinking. Having it be acceptable to take another persons inventory. Thinking I know exactly what they are doing and what they are thinking. Believing I know and employ a better option all the time.
I have a tendency to place expectations on everyone. High ones. Big ones that are typically far-fetched. They usually start out as practical, achievable, and even characteristic outcomes for each person. Then I start thinking they can do better. I’ll even throw in a few words here and there about my own experience with pushing myself to do better. Raising the bar. And mostly not patting myself on the back. About how I don’t deserve the life I have today. As if that statement alone is going to convince someone to be humble and strive for better and do more.

I caught myself doing a minimal service for my club this morning, one I never allow anyone to find out about,  this time hoping that someone would see me and feel bad that they didn’t do it first. Like… like I could guilt them into helping others. Like I have that much power. Like anyone really gives a shit.  Man am I a control freak. So I prayed.  I sat and took a moment and prayed for guidance, and tolerance.

It occurred then that if they aren’t already doing something, chances are they won’t think much of it no matter what I do.
What else is a realistic prayer? Please make so-and-so get off their ass and do something for someone else…? No. I’ve found a lot lacking in futile requests from my HP. I can only pray that I be granted understanding, that I be guided to help someone should they want it, and my words and actions have nothing to do with my will.

Because I will punch a face.

I will try to make people feel like shit.

I put a sign above our coffee pot at our club yesterday.
People keep drinking all the coffee and leaving the pot going and it burns them up. It makes me mad and I want people to act right and do as I say. So I made a shitty little sarcastic sign saying:

“Way to Be of Service #134:
If the coffee is gone, MAKE MORE.”

The only real difference that I KNOW can be made and I have any say in  is my own actions. Change will not happen collectively. It happens on an individuals level. My level.

I can do.

I must do.

And I must show those who ask how to do. Not those I think need it, not those I want to need it, those whom ask my help. As frustrating and infuriating and annoying as all of it is, I must do me alone.


Pray. Give my will over. Accept. Do action. And keep doing these things. Until someone asks.

A Fellow Trencher!



I stumbled on this dear fellows blog and couldn’t be more relieved. We are out there, carrying the message, word by word. GREAT blog here: http://dailyreprievecenter.com/ETC_blog/

“Emotional Sobriety” Letter From Bill W.


“Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance — urges quite appropriate to age seventeen — prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven or fifty-seven.

Since AA began, I’ve taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up, emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse! Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.

How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy, and good living — well, that’s not only the neurotic’s problem, it’s the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That’s the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it’s a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious — from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream — be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden “Mr. Hyde” becomes our main task.

I’ve recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones — folks like you and me — commencing to get results. Last autumn [several years back — ed.] depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I’ve had with depressions, it wasn’t a bright prospect.

I kept asking myself, “Why can’t the Twelve Steps work to release depression?” By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer…”It’s better to comfort than to be the comforted.” Here was the formula, all right. But why didn’t it work?

Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence — almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn’t a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what Grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed, upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.

Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.

Plainly, I could not avail myself of God’s love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn’t possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.

For my dependency meant demand — a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.

While those words “absolute demand” may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.

This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God’s creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the current can’t flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.

Spiritual calculus, you say? Not a bit of it. Watch any AA of six months working with a new Twelfth Step case. If the case says “To the devil with you,” the Twelfth Stepper only smiles and turns to another case. He doesn’t feel frustrated or rejected. If his next case responds, and in turn starts to give love and attention to other alcoholics, yet gives none back to him, the sponsor is happy about it anyway. He still doesn’t feel rejected; instead he rejoices that his one-time prospect is sober and happy. And if his next following case turns out in later time to be his best friend (or romance) then the sponsor is most joyful. But he well knows that his happiness is a by-product — the extra dividend of giving without any demand for a return.

The really stabilizing thing for him was having and offering love to that strange drunk on his doorstep. That was Francis at work, powerful and practical, minus dependency and minus demand.

In the first six months of my own sobriety, I worked hard with many alcoholics. Not a one responded. Yet this work kept me sober. It wasn’t a question of those alcoholics giving me anything. My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive.

Thus I think it can work out with emotional sobriety. If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand. Let us, with God’s help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to Twelfth Step ourselves and others into emotional sobriety.

Of course I haven’t offered you a really new idea — only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own “hexes” at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.”


(c) Copyright, AA Grapevine, January 1958